Revelations

I remember being in rehab and hearing the phrase “addictions are progressive.” This was articulated as a warning about continuing to use. As in it may be bad now but it gets worse over time. I reflected on how this applied to my own use. When I first began drinking, I was rewarded with pleasant, beneficial effects. Alcohol instantly quelled my anxiety, self-loathing and self-consciousness, enabling me to feel comfortable around others. It was nothing short of a revelation. In cost-benefit terms, the benefits were high and the cost low.

A Shifting Calculus

But the way I drank and the way my body interacted with alcohol wasn’t static. I drank more frequently and in increasing amounts. I abused alcohol, became habituated and then addicted. The calculus shifted. The costs of my drinking exceeded the benefits. I behaved aggressively under the influence, scaring my friends and lovers. I became pre-occupied with drinking. Other activities and responsibilities were neglected, my life myopically focused on partying. I started blacking out, waking up in places that were foreign and with no memory of how I ended up there, my body battered from falling and God knows what else. Drinking was now causing major problems while the benefits dissipated.

Inevitable Consequences

With dependence, progression is involved in addictive substances other than alcohol: with opiates, tolerance builds quickly so that the amount that gave you a nice high yesterday is no longer sufficient today. You increase the dose and eventually switch from pills to heroin then from snorting to intravenous use to get a more direct effect from the drug. With cocaine a similar path: snorting today shooting or smoking before long. For those still using, the bad news is addiction doesn’t get better. The idea that we can control our use and stave off consequences is a fiction.

Cleaning Up

Now for the good news. Recovery is progressive too, but trends up. It gets progressively better. This message is essential for people in early recovery. Early recovery can be enormously challenging. However many years a person has been in their addiction, various segments of life have been adversely affected. Chronic addictions to cocaine and alcohol left me broke, in ill health, divorced and hopeless. Typically, it’s consequences that compel us into recovery and these situational problems must be dealt with. We have to clean up the mess created by our addiction.

Coping with Feelings

The other problem I had to face in early recovery was how to deal with my shame, slef-loathing, anger, depression and anxiety without self-medicating. Those uncomfortable feelings are what compelled me to use to begin with. For any addict or alcoholic this is an essential question. Substances give us instant relief and gratification. Life does not. How do we get comfortable with being uncomfortable?

Don’t Quit-Never Quit

The good news is that if we’re patient, willing to support ourselves then recovery will ultimately provide us with a life worth living. In my early days, I remember telling my therapist, “Since I’ve gotten sober, the IRS has come after me, I’ve gotten divorced and lost custody. My life is getting worse!” But the authority of her experience and was calming, encouraging and supportive. She kept telling me to stay with it, things will get better. She was right.

The first six months were a struggle, Cravings, anxiety, depression, Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (https://serenityparkrecovery.com/blog/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome) and the wreckage from my addictive past created a constellation of problems that seemed overwhelming. But I supported myself in self-help groups and avoided situations where I could be triggered into using. I built relationships with other people in recovery.

Better Days

My head started to clear, my health improved and by the end of my first year, my moods stabilized. I also became confident that as long as my life remained structured, and I kept myself safe, I could continue to stay clean and sober. Hope replaced despair. In the ensuing years, I went back to school, paid off the IRS and restarted my athletic life, running, skipping rope and boxing.

Most importantly, I met my wife and together we realized my greatest ambition of having a healthy family life. I reveled in being a good husband and father. Together we worked hard and found financial security.

The Person You Can Be

Sobriety has provided me with a wonderful life. Having come through the challenges of my earlier years has provided me with a solid beam of gratitude that has not diminished over the four decades of my recovery. If you are still in the throes of addiction, know that a better life awaits you. If you are battling hard in early recovery, trust that you are headed in the right direction. Things will get better. Be patient, be steadfast and give yourself time to realize the benefits of your recovery. Become the person you were meant to be. The person you can be!