Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but how we handle it determines whether it becomes a growth opportunity or a destructively repetitive cycle. Without conflict resolution skills, what develops is a constant “problem loop” where similar arguments ensue endlessly, eroding the good will and love of the existing relationship. Couples then lose confidence in their ability to resolve their differences effectively and begin to question their union.

Problem Introduction

Conflict introduces a problem. While it feels painful, it signals an opportunity for growth. Problems have solutions. Things get better when we shift from blaming to collaboration: naming the behavior, describing its impact, and agreeing on a concrete repair or change. When we ask ourselves and each other what can be done to resolve conflict, resentment fades, and we re-bond. As we learn conflict resolution skills, we feel our relationship fosters growth and understanding and the sense that we can calm the storms of our unions.

The Blame Loop

One of the hallmarks of a relationship in decline is blame. It plays like a tennis match that never ends as fault is swatted back and forth: “It’s your fault!” “You’re crazy, it’s yours!” Both sides become entrenched and unyielding which results in an escalation of anger and ever more destructive conflict. This lack of acceptance of the other person’s perception is one of the hallmarks of a relationship that isn’t working.

Resentment Reinforcement

One aspect of being locked into the blame loop is resentment reinforcement. In the initial stage of conflict, we all engage in this. Our partner reacts to something we did sharply and they rebuke us. The rebuke hurts and we get angry; our partner feels that what we did was hurtful or disrespectful to them. Each side ruminates on their pain: “How could they do/say this! Each side locks into their position and finds evidence to reinforce their reasons for feeling trespassed upon. “She always does this! Why can’t she respect me!” In this mode, reconciliation becomes impossible.

Rules of Engagement

It’s important to establish a framework of rules for your conflict if you haven’t done so. I often see couples with destructive communication styles because they haven’t found ways to disagree constructively. They engage in name calling and swearing at one another that serves only to escalate the argument and make reconciliation more difficult. I don’t object to swearing per se, but using profanity and abusive language to name call must be out of bounds, (e.g. “bitch” “bastard” “Fuck you,” etc.). We have to find a softer communication style to make conflict tolerable.

Shutting Down

This was a problem early in my marriage. Growing up in an alcoholic home I lacked coping skills for dealing with sadness, resentment and disappointment. In the highly charged alcoholic environment, I learned to keep my struggles to myself. When overwhelmed I just shut down and went off to sulk somewhere. This worked well in the “maladaptive” environment of my father’s raged-fueled alcoholism but not well in healthy family life. My wife felt pushed away/punished by my inability to articulate my feelings and this deepened our conflict and also lengthened it. I’ve since learned to say what I feel and to maintain communication because doing so enables conflict to be resolved and usually in a timely manner.

If patterns of blame and resentment persist, consider seeking a therapist or counseling program.

If there is violence, excessive control or abuse in your relationship here is a domestic violence hotline: https://www.thehotline.org