Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but how we handle it determines whether it becomes a growth opportunity or a destructively repetitive cycle. Without conflict resolution skills, what develops is a constant “problem loop” where similar arguments ensue endlessly, eroding the good will and love of the existing relationship. Couples then lose confidence in their ability to resolve their differences effectively and begin to question their union.

Problem Introduction

Conflict introduces a problem. While it feels painful, it signals an opportunity for growth. Problems have solutions. Things get better when we shift from blaming to collaboration: naming the behavior, describing its impact, and agreeing on a concrete repair or change. When we ask ourselves and each other what can be done to resolve conflict, resentment fades, and we re-bond. As we learn conflict resolution skills, we feel our relationship fosters growth and understanding and the sense that we can calm the storms of our unions.

The Blame Loop

One of the hallmarks of a relationship in decline is blame. It plays like a tennis match that never ends as fault is swatted back and forth: “It’s your fault!” “You’re crazy, it’s yours!” Both sides become entrenched and unyielding which results in an escalation of anger and ever more destructive conflict. This lack of acceptance of the other person’s perception is one of the hallmarks of a relationship that isn’t working.

Resentment Reinforcement

One aspect of being locked into the blame loop is resentment reinforcement. In the initial stage of conflict, we all engage in this. Our partner reacts to something we did sharply and they rebuke us. The rebuke hurts and we get angry; our partner feels that what we did was hurtful or disrespectful to them. Each side ruminates on their pain: “How could they do/say this! Each side locks into their position and finds evidence to reinforce their reasons for feeling trespassed upon. “She always does this! Why can’t she respect me!” In this mode, reconciliation becomes impossible.

Rules of Engagement

It’s important to establish a framework of rules for your conflict if you haven’t done so. I often see couples with destructive communication styles because they haven’t found ways to disagree constructively. They engage in name calling and swearing at one another that serves only to escalate the argument and make reconciliation more difficult. I don’t object to swearing per se, but using profanity and abusive language to name call must be out of bounds, (e.g. “bitch” “bastard” “Fuck you,” etc.). We have to find a softer communication style to make conflict tolerable.

Shutting Down

This was a problem early in my marriage. Growing up in an alcoholic home I lacked coping skills for dealing with sadness, resentment and disappointment. In the highly charged alcoholic environment, I learned to keep my struggles to myself. When overwhelmed I just shut down and went off to sulk somewhere. This worked well in the “maladaptive” environment of my father’s raged-fueled alcoholism but not well in healthy family life. My wife felt pushed away/punished by my inability to articulate my feelings and this deepened our conflict and also lengthened it. I’ve since learned to say what I feel and to maintain communication because doing so enables conflict to be resolved and usually in a timely manner.

If patterns of blame and resentment persist, consider seeking a therapist or counseling program.

If there is violence, excessive control or abuse in your relationship here is a domestic violence hotline: https://www.thehotline.orgContext

It’s important to discuss the context of our emotions and grievances. We know our partners better than anyone else, but we cannot read their minds nor be able to see into whatever the travails of their day have been. For example, I come home from a very stressful day on an inpatient rehab unit. There I’ve given witness to several patients’ trauma, been yelled at by an unhinged client and run two unruly groups while trying desperately to keep up with my documentation.

As I open the door, my wife stressed by dealing with the kids all day says sharply, “You said you were going to mow the lawn two weeks ago!” I immediately react harshly, “I’ll do it when I feel like it!” Left as is, this conflict can escalate sharply, but by discussing context, we can deescalate, make peace and salvage a tough day. Once I share my difficulties, it humanizes me and helps my wife understand why I’m on edge. She does the same and I understand her position better as well.

Pause or Reset

Another device to help defang conflict is to pause it. Timing confrontation is integral. If both people are tense and escalating, it’s sensible to take a breath. A simple ask such as, “I’m starting to get tense can we discuss this in an hour or two when I’ve caught my breath,” can bring the temperature down from the boiling point. This can’t be done dismissively however or this will deepen the others’ resentment. We can also ask for a reset to the day if things have gotten off badly. This is best done when the argument is small and the stakes not too consequential. I left a wet towel on the floor again, my wife didn’t like it, tension ensued, words were said but both see this conflict as small stakes. Some hills are not worth dying on. I say, “Hey that was silly, can we reset?” She says yes and we are re-bonded and can move on with the day peacefully.

Solutions Focus

The most important aspect of conflict resolution is to take a solutions focus. This requires one party to ask the other, “I see we we’re having a problem, what is the solution?” This a de-escalation tactic that offers the opportunity to re-bond. Once proffered the other party needs to be able to engage on the solution. It is not a solution until both parties agree to it and are committed to try it. If the solution doesn’t work both parties need to be willing to go back to the drawing board, redraft another solution and try again. With diligence, eventually solutions can be found.

Ownership and Self-reflection

In all the sessions of couple’s counseling I’ve done, I’ve never seen conflict where one person is one-hundred percent wrong all the time and the other person is one-hundred percent right. Most conflict has a shared percentage of responsibility attached to it. To have a healthy relationship means we need to take full ownership when we are wrong or have behaved poorly, which at some point, we all do. Self-reflection is essential. What did I do wrong? How may I have hurt my partner. How can I make amends. We must take full ownership of our wrongdoings, not a portion, but one-hundred percent. If you are in a relationship with someone who is never wrong and unwilling to look at their part in your conflict then get help or find a way out of the relationship.

Apology and Forgiveness

These two qualities are essential as they represent the final stage of conflict and enable us to re-bond with our partners. It’s painful but inevitable that we hurt the people we love from time to time. To say we are sorry to have done so gives our partners the sense we care. When they forgive us, we are assuaged and able to move forward. But these are more than words we speak. To apologize means we are truly sorry. Half apologies such as “I’m sorry I upset you but it’s not really my fault,” isn’t a full apology. A heartfelt “I’m sorry I hurt you and will do my best to not hurt you again,” is. Full forgiveness means our resentment has been fully resolved. If under the surface, we are still angry then the conflict will only resurface later and we have not yet forgiven. “I forgive you,” means the conflict is over.

Love is a precious and miraculous thing and we have to learn to protect it. Conflict is normal and expected. While often unpleasant, it can lead to solutions, deepen our understanding of the people we love and help foster growth in our relationships. If we practice solutions-focused conflict resolution then we get the sense that our relationships are sturdy and that we can grow with the people we love. Conflict can deepen understanding when approached with curiosity, accountability, and a shared solution focus. With practice, these habits become part of a resilient relationship.

If patterns of blame and resentment persist, consider seeking a therapist or counseling program.

If there is violence, excessive control or abuse in your relationship here is a domestic violence hotline: https://www.thehotline.org