If you’ve battled trauma and addictions like me, then you’ve experienced despair. You know it can be a constant companion. It hovers near, never gone. I remember hiding in my room with a mirror on my lap as I lay in bed. I was drinking and snorting cocaine in the wee hours of the morning, alone. There was nothing social about my use, a constant desperate looming need. I knew it self-destructive, but I couldn’t stop. I felt deeply ashamed of myself. The stigma of the “drunk” and the “junkie,” affixed tightly to me. I recalled my father drinking himself to death. Hours, days and weeks in bed, drinking then passing out, only to awaken and drink again and pass out yet again. I was becoming my father’s son.

Suicide was the most consoling idea in those days. The notion that I could stop the pain was enticing and comforting. Fortunately, I never acted on the thought no matter how attractive it was at times. It’s never lost on me all these years later how lucky I am to be clean and sober, alive and most of the time, happier than I ever dreamed I could be. I would like every addict and alcoholic out there to know there is a better way.

We don’t have to give in to despair. I also know that it’s not just those with addictions who wrestle with despair, at one time or another, we all do. Trauma, big or little is part of the human experience. Death, rejection, health problems and defeat don’t spare anyone. Some of us get more than our share. But we don’t have to give in. Resilience and perseverance are our most elegant and meaningful human qualities.

There was a time in my life where I allowed despair to overtake me. Divorce, custody issues, broke, heavily in debt and lonely. Life seemed like a barren landscape. When faced with problems, I’d quit or just lay down. I couldn’t stand up for myself because I didn’t believe in myself. Everything changed when I finally became willing to face my problems and accept help from others knowledgeable about trauma and addictions. I stopped running away from my problems. I committed to therapy and learned that I held value as much as any other human being. I had strengths and weaknesses. I learned to utilize my resources and work tenaciously on my weaknesses. I realized I didn’t need to submit to others, that what was mine, was mine alone and I could direct my material resources to myself and my family’s benefit.

I’ve learned that suffering is an unavoidable part of being human. The key is not to avoid it but to face it directly. To find help from others and resilience and persistence within. To develop solutions that move us forward. Let’s search and find the better aspects of our beings.

Let’s persevere and find our resilient selves. Be willing to put one foot in front of the other no matter what we’re facing. If we do, we will find the very best parts of ourselves.

Postscript: See below for links to finding help. Also, When I was in despair my therapist gifted me with a letter from Fra Giovanni in which he was well wishing a friend. I’ve excerpted the initial paragraph:

The gloom of the world is but a shadow, behind it,

yet within reach is joy. There is radiance and glory

in the darkness could we but see, and to see

We have only to look, I beseech you to look.

Resources:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

FindTreatment.gov