This essay explores the tension I wrestled with between anonymity regarding my trauma and addiction, and why I ultimately decided to openly tell my story. I understand this is a personal decision and other sufferers may have very good reasons to not share their stories with others.

Generational Trauma and Addictions

My father was a chronic alcoholic full of rage, sneering and belittling. His verbal abuse left my self-esteem mangled. Early on, and for many years I felt a distended shame about his frequent public drunkenness. Our family kept his bloody self-destructiveness secret in our small Cape Cod village. What if people really knew what was going on in our home? What would they say? Early on, I swore I’d never be like him.

I was a young boy when I was sexually abused by an older kid. I vowed to never tell anyone. To tell someone was to make it real. So, I buried it, deep down, my dark shameful secret. Had I done something to deserve what happened? Despite my innocence, I felt another slab of guilt and remorse.

Losing Control

Like many other trauma sufferers, I started self-medicating at a young age. It was the only way I knew to help myself feel better. At first, drinking and drugging was fun and effective in banishing my profound depression and anxiety. But before long I lost control over my use.

What was social and fun turned into days-long binges I was powerless to stop. My use progressed and problems associated with it cropped up and deepened. I lied, cheated and stole to excuse and feed my addictions despite knowing it was wrong to do those things. At my worst, I’d do just about anything to keep drinking and getting high. Friends, family and lovers saw that they mattered less and using mattered more. My relationships frayed and some broke clean away.

And then there was the behavior under the influence. I’d black out and could be violent and/or verbally abusive toward others or handsy and ugly in how I treated women. I’d wake up horrified by my behavior then would start using again to deal with my shame. This put in motion the classic addictive cycle: self-medication causes pain which provokes more self-medication and then more pain again, and on and on.

A Chilling Moment

Finally, one drunken morning at the end of a day’s long binge I blew up at my first wife, hurling a jar of mustard at the wall scattering glass and yellow muck everywhere, my daughter bursting into gasping sobs. I walked into the hall I glanced into a mirror and there he was, my father looking right back at me, angry and unhinged. I felt a deep chill knowing that I’d become just like him. Not long afterwards, I sought treatment and bit by bit started the process of letting go of my secrets.

Those People

Crashing and burning in a small town gets people talking, but judgment and stigma don’t help anyone. The words “drunk” or “junkie’ conjure highly unflattering images. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard the remark, “Those people don’t ever change.” These types of remarks are usually based on a person’s singular experience of a family member who got addicted and struggled to get clean. Addiction is no doubt destructive and painful for the people around an addict as I know too well, but it serves nobody to paint everyone with addictions with one broad, judgmental brush. Many people suffering with trauma and addictions can and do change. At first, I was terrified to discuss all the painful traumatic memories of my past. What would people think?

Years after I got clean and sober, I ran into an old girlfriend who’d broken up with me years before because I drank too much. She felt I had little to offer in my early twenties and she was right. One day I saw her in line at a store. I hadn’t seen her in years and approached her saying, “Hey, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been sober for eight years. I smiled wanting her to know that I was trying to make something of myself at last. She looked at me and said, “You? Yeah, sure,” then turned her back on me. As far as some people are concerned, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

When I first got sober, I was circumspect about who I told about my trauma and addictions. For one thing, my confidence was low that I could continue to beat back my addictions. I didn’t want to sing loudly about being sober only to relapse and have to yet again come to terms with my damaged self.

The Importance of Anonymity

I was indoctrinated in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, where anonymity is a guiding principle and integral to newcomers who need privacy and understanding. Who you see there is not to be shared with anyone outside the room. To perpetuate themselves, AA and NA must protect the identities of their memberships. Not doing so would be greatly discouraging to potential and present members. Inside the halls I made sure to maintain the confidentiality of everyone I saw there. But I started to think more about how I wanted to manage talking about my trauma and addictions outside the halls. It is after all, my story.

Telling the Whole Story

As my sobriety continued though it seemed as if I was leaving out too much when people asked about my life. My father’s alcoholism and untreated trauma gave rise to my own. I was deeply immersed in the drinking and using life. I was a bartender, drug dealer, user and a drinker. Alcohol and drugs shaped my attitude and behavior for many years. I was steeped in a culture of addictions without being aware of it. Many people in my using days wrote me off or scoffed at my insatiable appetite to self-medicate. How could I be of service to other sufferers?

Getting clean and sober was the most important undertaking in my life. At first It took a Herculean effort; it was a rock fight between the part of me that wanted to restore my self-respect and dignity and the old life of drug deals and drunken days and nights. I am eternally grateful for my recovery. To leave my trauma and recovery aside, was to erase too much of my story. Over time, I came to see my recovery as something to be proud of and my experience of it was wholly positive, allowing me to build a career, regain financial stability and to effectively manage my physical and emotional health. And, my greatest ambition to have a healthy family life has been realized. I owe all this to my recovery.

I decided to share my story when there was a chance that the person or people hearing my it might benefit. I grew up in a community where alcoholism and drug addiction were common and the rates were high. If people could see that recovery was possible and desirable , maybe I could help grow the recovery community.

Spread the Word-Recovery is Possible!

To be anonymous or to speak openly about trauma and addictions is a personal decision. I honor whatever people feel comfortable with. My decision to be open about my story and the things I’ve been through is so that others can take heart, and know that recovery is possible and beneficial. Help is available. “Those people” really can change and make a difference. Spread the word!